Published September 1, 2010
I tread water.
I let my tears wash into the sea,
Salt with salt,
And I remember you,
You, swallowed by the heavy darkness,
Taken by the sea.
I curl up, knees to my naked chest,
Press my lips to the suds.
But it is not sea-foam,
And this shallow pool is not your ocean.
I tread water,
But this is just a bathtub.
I close my eyes and remember,
Let time rock me.
Lean back in the heated water,
Open my legs, tilt back my head,
And moan,
And when I open my eyes there you are,
I remember you in the water.
I used to be a siren, ripe with sweet seduction.
Now I am a humble water nymph beckoning you home.
And if I sink beneath the sea line,
Let the water take my breath
The waves stop my restless heart,
Will I see you on the horizon?
Let me sink into you;
Close my throat.
I feel you in the water.
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@Frank, no it was not! But I'm definitely checking that out now! Thanks for the feedback, always greatly appreciated:)
Very elegant and beautiful poem, thank you for writing it.
I was wondering whether or not your poem was partly based on the masterpiece of Dvorak's opera about the water nymphs, "Rusalka"?
First of all. I really liked this poem. It had good flow and a very nice rhythm. Just a couple things; but these are my opinions. You're the one who knows the point you want to get across and the best way to do that.
Overall: I loved this poem. Like I said, the punctuation is up to you. This is how I would see fit. You're the writer and you know what it's supposed to mean. We're just the ones interpretting it. You did a great job and you are an amazing writer. Keep writing.
~Dannielle~
Aoow.. This was really good and full of emotions. I think there could be done some smaller changes to improve it but they have all, allready been mentioned so part from them.. LOVED IT... almost made me cry at the end.. x) It reminds me of a story I write myself ages ago but never finished...
Well this is gonna be a really lame review, but I thought it was great! Really sweet and sexy, a weird but evocative comination. Thumbs up!
I'm not going to review this, because I am not capable of reviewing something so beautiful.
This has to be one of my favorite poems on Y.W.S that i've read.
It strikes up such beautiful imagery.
So emotional, so very, very fascinating.
I love it, keep writing!!
Chynel.
I really like the poem. It is beautifully written. But I do think that the last 3 lines don't really match the poem. It is different than all the other lines. Everything else was good. Good use of punctuation! Too bad that the end didn't really match. Furthermore it was awesome and I love it!
Keep writing!
Loves,
Nathalie
Hey,
This was, well, astounding. It was so emotion packed, it was gripping. Your reference to the sirens was absolutely superb. I think I will go through this bit by bit and explain why I loved it and if there are parts which I felt are weaker.
This was a very good opening stanza and I didn't want to click away so well done. I don't think it should be a capital "a" though.
Because at the end of the first stanza you have put you then a comma I don't think that the you should really be repeated again at the start of this part but either way it makes no real difference. Another good stanza, I was intrigued more than anything to read on at this point as I didn't feel any emotion in this stanza.
This truly took my breathe away, purley for the last line and the use of the word your. It gave me a lot of emotion, and I felt sympathy for the character for whatever reason, so this was just superb. It was descriptive in a sense as well and I got very good imagery from this stanza.
This through me, if I am being honest, but it also made me want to read on so it was a good filler.
This was very descriptive and very good stanza. Let us also call it .. erm ... Steamy.
My personal favourite out of all of them. It is very emotion packed and I loved it. I like the contrast you put between the character then and the character now.
I didn't like the ending if I am being honest. I liked the last line, but it didn't have the same impact as the rest of the poem. I would try add a bit more of description or emotion.
Overall.
Amazing, easily one of the best pieces I have read on here.
ell done a thousand times over.
~Retro Disco666
Hello there, Margaret Louise.
The name's Freyja, and it's my pleasure to review you!
First of all, I want to say I rather liked this. It's not an unheard of subject matter in the least, but you tackled it from a newer angle with a different story. I'm not sure if you meant to do this (but kudos if you did!) but it has this calm, ebbing and flowing quality to it that sort of even resembles the waves in the sea. Like, when you say a few lines, take it back to the subject, and say more about it. Also, I like the sensuality in it--not overbearing, but definitely there and it adds that little "something" to the poem.
As always, there are some things that could be made better...
I'd recommend ending the second line with a period.
Big quote, yes? But small problem. You might consider taking out "I tread water / But this is just a bathtub." Well, bringing back "I tread water" was all right, but my issue is with "But this is just a bathtub." The lines "But it is not sea-foam, / and this shallow pool is not your ocean" sort of brings it home that it's a bathtub. The way you phrased it is perfectly understandable, so blatantly stating that it's a bathtub seems redundant to me. Your call though.
I'd recommend ending this line with a comma, just to keep with your punctuation pattern and make it flow a bit better.
The second half of the poem, to me, is beautiful. Just thought I'd let you know that. Beautifully tragic.
And...since I'm not that great at reviewing poetry, that's all I got for ya! So, that said, thanks for the read, and Freyja out!